this is the last of this - spending every last penny I have left... with the credit card either on the way or not, I am making some leeway and never spending all my money again. I am going to budget.
And that's final.
- Find out what I'm doing, Follow Me :)
Showing posts with label fml. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fml. Show all posts
FML
Today is totally going to suck I can feel it in my bones already - no coffee, and I feel drowsy and like shit... not a good combination.
My views
I'm sure exactly how I feel about excessive partying and stuff at my age... like I have an idea but I'm still a little effy as to how serious I feel about the idea. I know I'm young and people my age do like to party, but I choose not to anymore.
I used to drink a lot and anyone that's known me could attest to that but just in the last 1-2 years I've completely moved away from the clubbing/partying scene and the type of people it draws in: dodgy and unstable people. I mean it's reflective of the environment, which draws in those types of people. And it's a huge huge turn off for me. I just don't want anything to do with it or that lifestyle anymore and, like I've said, I've completely removed myself from that sphere.
It's just something about it seems so fake, so juvenile and so... ugh. That's probably the best way I could word it - ugh.
NYE was the last night I got to the point of drunkness and even then I was still very conscious of what was happening that night and the environment around me, but it's every time I go out I realise and just get angry at the people that are around me. People are just so different under the influence, and don't get me wrong so am I! We all are, and it's just annoying. I just prefer to relax and drink and sure if I want to get drunk kind of stay in my own little area, with a few friends and just relax and chill and not be part of the bullshit and the drama... which is really what it is and what I've experienced in my years of hardcore partying and "living it up."
Well I'm grown up, and I've matured, and I want absolutely nothing to do with it... it just seems so immature.
Updates
So because I came home drunk and left the light on over the door my parents are pissed with me... not to mention they won't let me borrow their cars to go to the gym that I'm paying out the ass for. It's so fucking stupid. Sure I know it's super nice of them to even let me borrow them in the first place, but to just stop for something like that it just shows their intentions - to control my lifestyle.
Needless to say, working at Staples sucks shit, and I really realized yesterday that I can't trust anyone there - as friends or whatever. Sure I'll talk to them and be civil but no more opening up... or at least be more selective than I have been. I've been considering actually removing some of the people I currently have from my Facebook.
The job interviews went well sure, but I didn't hear anything that day like they told me I would, so I called the next day and she said they were interviewing another person that day and again Monday... this was after they told me it was between me and this other person... so obviously I wasn't good enough, so I've written off that job. It would have been my break from this poverty too, so I'm really not handling it well.
I really don't understand why things can't get better for me.
Ps. I bought Whey Protein so I'm going to be starting to use that before and after I work out to hopefully help me build muscle. I'll do a before and after picture I guess if I feel like it... not entirely feeling it though today, I really wanted to just sleep. And not to mention I have no way to the gym now.
Needless to say, working at Staples sucks shit, and I really realized yesterday that I can't trust anyone there - as friends or whatever. Sure I'll talk to them and be civil but no more opening up... or at least be more selective than I have been. I've been considering actually removing some of the people I currently have from my Facebook.
The job interviews went well sure, but I didn't hear anything that day like they told me I would, so I called the next day and she said they were interviewing another person that day and again Monday... this was after they told me it was between me and this other person... so obviously I wasn't good enough, so I've written off that job. It would have been my break from this poverty too, so I'm really not handling it well.
I really don't understand why things can't get better for me.
Ps. I bought Whey Protein so I'm going to be starting to use that before and after I work out to hopefully help me build muscle. I'll do a before and after picture I guess if I feel like it... not entirely feeling it though today, I really wanted to just sleep. And not to mention I have no way to the gym now.
Fml.
So today I lose my car - the 30 day permit as well as the MVI (Motor Vehicle Inspection) is up and so I can't drive the car after today... until I get the money to pay the taxes and the registration, etc. Which I won't have for a while just because I've been getting shitty ass hours at Staples. It really sucks. Back again to no freedom, and full dependence on my parents. Gonna hate my life for the next few weeks until I'm able to pay off all this shit.
Plus my insurance is coming out today which they fucked up, and I get charged 184$ instead of the MAXIMUM 105$ I was quoted with... so needless to say - I . Am. Broke. Apparently they'll credit me the difference on next months payment which will come in useful so that the next 2 paychecks can go strictly towards getting my car back on the road.
Plus my insurance is coming out today which they fucked up, and I get charged 184$ instead of the MAXIMUM 105$ I was quoted with... so needless to say - I . Am. Broke. Apparently they'll credit me the difference on next months payment which will come in useful so that the next 2 paychecks can go strictly towards getting my car back on the road.
Bored
I am unbelievably bored right now... it's really something to behold and I'm not even sure why. Maybe because I WANT to do something it just makes the boredom that much more worst... I dunno. And I definitely don't have the money to do anything anyways so maybe I should just go to bed once my food from dinner digests.
Yeah I'll probably do the bed thing and just wake up earlier tomorrow or something... not sure for what though - I don't work tomorrow at all.
Yeah I'll probably do the bed thing and just wake up earlier tomorrow or something... not sure for what though - I don't work tomorrow at all.
>_>
So I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next few weeks... it's definitely going to be a struggle. I forsee it coming and so I'm trying to gather up the energy and the patience needed to get over this last hump for a while (hopefully.) I need to find myself a full time job so I can get a steady flow of money coming in because this part time bullshit is really driving me nuts... never knowing exactly how much I'm going to be getting - some weeks an adequate amount and others a very small amount - and unfortunately this week will be the small amount... resulting is possibly not enough money for my insurance which will bounce the payment (charging me 50$ ontop of the 184$) and giving some more bad credit.
So I discovered, via a friend, a new band that I must say I really enjoy. The Temper Trap (Click me!).
They have a familiar sound, maybe a mix of some bands I enjoy that I can't entirely put a finger on... maybe some Interpol rhythm with some vocals from Sigur Ros (Without the Icelandic sexiness.)
So today I'm going to do my 6/7 day routine and go to the gym, then off to work because I picked up a shift tonight.. so I work 4-9pm which is a shitty shift... but I made a vow after yesterday's staff meeting that I'm going to be more intense about my job... even if it's just a bullshit part time job but still it's all about image and reputation here in this little town so you never know when I might need a reference or someone to pull some strings for me!
I apologize for nothing really substantial to write about lately... it's mostly because I'm just going through a rut again - really though? when am I not going through a rut these past few years. I guess it would be something different to say that I'm NOT going through a rut... that would definitely be a surprise to myself and to many.
Had a talk with my parents this morning they said I don't seem happy and that whenever I come home I go directly to my room and lock myself away - which is true. I must say I'm not fairing well with this living back home again, it's just too stressful because they haven't changed at all in the 4 years I've been away, and I've changed quite a substantial amount... and so they treat me the same. But my mother makes dinner which is nice... and wholesome.
Tonight I'm going to hang out with my friend Jay again, it's been fun hanging the past few days and just having someone to connect with... someone that's there, as Eric's said before. And I agree, it's been nice. He's going to Brazil for a month, then back to work on the cruise ship for a few more months then moving back home here in May... which seems so far away. I'm sick of waiting, and constantly being up in the air about everything, I want something substantial and someone to feel the way I feel for them - I want reciprocation and mutuality.
I also want money and to not be broke so I have something to share with someone.
So I discovered, via a friend, a new band that I must say I really enjoy. The Temper Trap (Click me!).
They have a familiar sound, maybe a mix of some bands I enjoy that I can't entirely put a finger on... maybe some Interpol rhythm with some vocals from Sigur Ros (Without the Icelandic sexiness.)
So today I'm going to do my 6/7 day routine and go to the gym, then off to work because I picked up a shift tonight.. so I work 4-9pm which is a shitty shift... but I made a vow after yesterday's staff meeting that I'm going to be more intense about my job... even if it's just a bullshit part time job but still it's all about image and reputation here in this little town so you never know when I might need a reference or someone to pull some strings for me!
I apologize for nothing really substantial to write about lately... it's mostly because I'm just going through a rut again - really though? when am I not going through a rut these past few years. I guess it would be something different to say that I'm NOT going through a rut... that would definitely be a surprise to myself and to many.
Had a talk with my parents this morning they said I don't seem happy and that whenever I come home I go directly to my room and lock myself away - which is true. I must say I'm not fairing well with this living back home again, it's just too stressful because they haven't changed at all in the 4 years I've been away, and I've changed quite a substantial amount... and so they treat me the same. But my mother makes dinner which is nice... and wholesome.
Tonight I'm going to hang out with my friend Jay again, it's been fun hanging the past few days and just having someone to connect with... someone that's there, as Eric's said before. And I agree, it's been nice. He's going to Brazil for a month, then back to work on the cruise ship for a few more months then moving back home here in May... which seems so far away. I'm sick of waiting, and constantly being up in the air about everything, I want something substantial and someone to feel the way I feel for them - I want reciprocation and mutuality.
I also want money and to not be broke so I have something to share with someone.
Updates 2.0
Been working minimal hours lately at the one job and it's becoming really frustrating... I'm not even sure if I'll get enough to pay for my insurance payment next week. Not to mention the fact that I don't have the money for the taxes that are due, the MVI inspection, the emergency brake cable to be fixed and for gas... so needless to say my car is going to be sitting on the parking lot for at least 2 weeks... BACK to square one.
Well at least I have a car, and something to show for my money, just totally sucks that's all.
Well at least I have a car, and something to show for my money, just totally sucks that's all.
H1N1: Swine Flu
So I was approached by my family and asked whether or not I was going to get vaccinated when the clinics open up within the next week... I said no. My mother said that I had to because she didn't want to get swine... and I replied, "But you're taking the shot, aren't you?"
Something doesn't sit well with me about this whole situation and how everyone is seeming to blow it out of proportion, so I went to the media and to the WHO and I begun my research.
Apparently since the outbreak of the H1N1 it's been released that 4800 people have died, which doesn't seem to be a lot. Sure it's still a lot of family members and a lot of brothers and sisters and sons and daughters, but statistically it's not a lot of people.
So I reflected on the normal flu, and exactly how many people yearly this more "common" flu has been killing, with little to no hysteria caused throughout the world.
Taken directly from the WHO's website, I quote:
So I looked to the history books, and through this I found that previously we've been hit with a Swine flu, with little to no implications of a worldwide pandemic, or mass hysteria.
1918, 1976, 1988, 1998, and in 2007 an outbreak in the Philippines amongst only pigs, and now, 2009 among humans. Some would look at this as being a potential evolution of the virus and maybe, just maybe, this time the virus has figured out a way to wipe out the entire earth and take over the world!
And lest we forget the terrible AVIAN influenza that rocked the worlds and destroyed the human population last year... or sorry was that SARS... or maybe that was the common cold! The WHO has a graph that shows the breakdown of deaths of the so called pandemic of avian influenza last year, and as you can see... it doesn't seem like much of a pandemic to me.
[Avian Influenza Cumulative Number of Confirmed Human Cases.]
I think we need to calm down, eat healthy, get in shape, maintain a healthy lifestyle and continue our lives without pumping chemicals and other diseases into our systems that we barely even know the consequences of yet... already there have been a few cases of complications with the H1N1 shot, and it the hasn't even been globally administered yet... imagine on the large scale how many deaths could come from the side effects... my gods! that's another case for another WORLD WIDE PANDEMIC!
I'm never leaving my house again.
Something doesn't sit well with me about this whole situation and how everyone is seeming to blow it out of proportion, so I went to the media and to the WHO and I begun my research.
Apparently since the outbreak of the H1N1 it's been released that 4800 people have died, which doesn't seem to be a lot. Sure it's still a lot of family members and a lot of brothers and sisters and sons and daughters, but statistically it's not a lot of people.
So I reflected on the normal flu, and exactly how many people yearly this more "common" flu has been killing, with little to no hysteria caused throughout the world.
Taken directly from the WHO's website, I quote:
Influenza epidemics occur yearly during autumn and winter in temperate regions. Illnesses result in hospitalizations and deaths mainly among high-risk groups (the very young, elderly or chronically ill). Worldwide, these annual epidemics result in about three to five million cases of severe illness, and about 250 000 to 500 000 deaths. Most deaths associated with influenza in industrialized countries occur among people age 65 or older. In some tropical countries, influenza viruses circulate throughout the year with one or two peaks during rainy seasons.Yet that was never a reason to invest $400 million into Pharmaceutical companies for imunizations for the nation... but on the flip side I do respect that the government is going an extra step to potentially help it's citizens, I do. But this just doesn't sound right.
So I looked to the history books, and through this I found that previously we've been hit with a Swine flu, with little to no implications of a worldwide pandemic, or mass hysteria.
1918, 1976, 1988, 1998, and in 2007 an outbreak in the Philippines amongst only pigs, and now, 2009 among humans. Some would look at this as being a potential evolution of the virus and maybe, just maybe, this time the virus has figured out a way to wipe out the entire earth and take over the world!
And lest we forget the terrible AVIAN influenza that rocked the worlds and destroyed the human population last year... or sorry was that SARS... or maybe that was the common cold! The WHO has a graph that shows the breakdown of deaths of the so called pandemic of avian influenza last year, and as you can see... it doesn't seem like much of a pandemic to me.
[Avian Influenza Cumulative Number of Confirmed Human Cases.]
I think we need to calm down, eat healthy, get in shape, maintain a healthy lifestyle and continue our lives without pumping chemicals and other diseases into our systems that we barely even know the consequences of yet... already there have been a few cases of complications with the H1N1 shot, and it the hasn't even been globally administered yet... imagine on the large scale how many deaths could come from the side effects... my gods! that's another case for another WORLD WIDE PANDEMIC!
I'm never leaving my house again.
12:11am, October 21, 2001.
Mark this date and time... I'm not sure how much longer I can take, and I'm not kidding.
I got "let go" from Andre's today for absolutely no reason because I did excellent at that job and customers loved me and when I asked the owner why, she said she didn't have to give me a reason because of the 3 month probationary period in which she can just let go of me for no reason.
I honestly don't know anymore... as mentioned in my last post, and transferred over into today, I just keep getting shit on more and more, no matter what I do and no matter what I invest in anything and it's just not fucking fair at all.
I got "let go" from Andre's today for absolutely no reason because I did excellent at that job and customers loved me and when I asked the owner why, she said she didn't have to give me a reason because of the 3 month probationary period in which she can just let go of me for no reason.
I honestly don't know anymore... as mentioned in my last post, and transferred over into today, I just keep getting shit on more and more, no matter what I do and no matter what I invest in anything and it's just not fucking fair at all.
Updates.
So I've been having less and less to write about, mostly because I've been going through this anti-social kind of thing where I feel removing myself from society would help me redesign myself: both my personality and my subconscious. I'm learning more and more than I know myself less and less, and it's bugging me.
Am I really a bad person for believing in fairy tales and trying to force myself to have a positive outlook on things? (When really deep down I am very negative, so there's this inner conflict.) I'm not sure how to approach these things anymore and I know I've said it before, but this time it's different.
I don't know what to do and I'm not sure how to approach getting better of this, and figuring myself out... do I read more? do I relax more? do I sit on the edge of my bed and cry more? Do I go for longer drives with some tunes playing in the background more? I'm just not sure what to do. Maye I just have something wrong with me, not to sound extreme, but possibly I could be clinically depressed or something more? Could I have some sort of personality disorder where I just am so fucked up I can't even view things in the way I should? I apologize for the questions, but these are just a few of the questions I ask myself.
So I'll address you (My subconscious, my motives and my understanding.)
What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me and how can I better understand you. How can I be approached by a situation and be able to determine whether it's the realistic outcome or my erratic subconscious thwarting the design?
Can you stop? Can you stop blowing things out of proportion and trying to second guess me? Can you please stop seeing the worst in people and distrusting everyone... Can you stop making me push people away? I hate that. I hate the distance I set between myself and the one's closest to me... all because of you.
I need to control you, and I need to control you now. I need to learn when I can switch the Off button and how to effectively hit that switch before any further harm is done... otherwise I'll snap and won't be able to handle this anymore... I won't be able to continue on down this path with this continual conflict inside me and this void full of blackness and no emotion.
My heart is so cold, and I think you have something to do with it... it's never the now, it's the past and the potential future that haunts me and scares me, and it effects me in the now. I know it shouldn't, but you see to that. You make sure I hold grudges and that I see everything askew. You're the lenses through which I see my life, you shape my understanding and my perception... and I'm only now realizing that what I see isn't the truth but something tainted and spoiled by your influence.
Someone, or something help me please before this comes to a bitter (or wishful) end.
Am I really a bad person for believing in fairy tales and trying to force myself to have a positive outlook on things? (When really deep down I am very negative, so there's this inner conflict.) I'm not sure how to approach these things anymore and I know I've said it before, but this time it's different.
I don't know what to do and I'm not sure how to approach getting better of this, and figuring myself out... do I read more? do I relax more? do I sit on the edge of my bed and cry more? Do I go for longer drives with some tunes playing in the background more? I'm just not sure what to do. Maye I just have something wrong with me, not to sound extreme, but possibly I could be clinically depressed or something more? Could I have some sort of personality disorder where I just am so fucked up I can't even view things in the way I should? I apologize for the questions, but these are just a few of the questions I ask myself.
So I'll address you (My subconscious, my motives and my understanding.)
What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me and how can I better understand you. How can I be approached by a situation and be able to determine whether it's the realistic outcome or my erratic subconscious thwarting the design?
Can you stop? Can you stop blowing things out of proportion and trying to second guess me? Can you please stop seeing the worst in people and distrusting everyone... Can you stop making me push people away? I hate that. I hate the distance I set between myself and the one's closest to me... all because of you.
I need to control you, and I need to control you now. I need to learn when I can switch the Off button and how to effectively hit that switch before any further harm is done... otherwise I'll snap and won't be able to handle this anymore... I won't be able to continue on down this path with this continual conflict inside me and this void full of blackness and no emotion.
My heart is so cold, and I think you have something to do with it... it's never the now, it's the past and the potential future that haunts me and scares me, and it effects me in the now. I know it shouldn't, but you see to that. You make sure I hold grudges and that I see everything askew. You're the lenses through which I see my life, you shape my understanding and my perception... and I'm only now realizing that what I see isn't the truth but something tainted and spoiled by your influence.
Someone, or something help me please before this comes to a bitter (or wishful) end.
My Life
Why can't I ever get it right, why is it I can have it all and feel like I have nothing?
There's a hole in my life, a missing secret key, but its out of reach... Its so far away and its not fair!
Could I have been SO close to the solution to my heartache and that inner void and ended up tossing it away for a failed attempt at a better future?
It would seem so.
I'm nothing without you, and I don't know how to express this.
There's a hole in my life, a missing secret key, but its out of reach... Its so far away and its not fair!
Could I have been SO close to the solution to my heartache and that inner void and ended up tossing it away for a failed attempt at a better future?
It would seem so.
I'm nothing without you, and I don't know how to express this.
Hey bill
i was there earlier looking at the nissan with my family and we talked it over and if you were willing to accept 1100$ for it I'd definitely be interesting in buying it within the next few days.
If this sounds reasonable to you let me know and we'll swing by for another look and finalize the arrangements,
Thank you,
Zach
i was there earlier looking at the nissan with my family and we talked it over and if you were willing to accept 1100$ for it I'd definitely be interesting in buying it within the next few days.
If this sounds reasonable to you let me know and we'll swing by for another look and finalize the arrangements,
Thank you,
Zach
Hello ZachThanks for getting back to me. I had a lady by this afternoon looking at the car and she is very interested in buying the car if I still have it tomorrow. I told her I need to get $1300.00, so I would have to decline your offer of $1100.00. Thanks Bill
Ok, thanks for the reply. If you or her change your minds let me know, I'd be willing to go as high as $1200 but I can't afford $1300, so just keep me posted.
Thanks,
Zach.
No reply yet... so we'll see what happened there. Kind of depressing I must add, because I convinced myself into really wanting that car, sure its nothing spectacular to look at, but whatever it'd get me around... and that's what I need most right now.
Car Hunting
Car hunting was kinda depressing... only saw a few cars that I was really interested in.. one a 1995 Nissan Sentra that needs some window tinting and some killer rims to make it a little more appealing but at least it runs nice and the motor purrs like a kitten of sorts.
Looked at a 2001 Ford Focus 2 door ZX3 which needed over 300$ in work done to it but it rode really nice and the engine still purred like a kitten of sorts. Needed an emergency brake cable fixed and some rust touch ups, but he was asking no less than 1500$ for it... and it'd be sitting on the parking lot until I got the necessary items to get it passed by the MVI done...
Depressing... and frustrating.
Maybe I'll go with the 2 door Nissan Sentra... it's cheaper, not the most amazing looking box-type car but at least it runs nice and such.
We'll see what the next week holds, maybe he'd go less for the Sentra in which case I'd probably go for it for sure, maybe 1100$ and I'd be solid.
*Sigh*
PS. Here's the Nissan, nothing special but it's in great condition for a car that's 13 years old.
Looked at a 2001 Ford Focus 2 door ZX3 which needed over 300$ in work done to it but it rode really nice and the engine still purred like a kitten of sorts. Needed an emergency brake cable fixed and some rust touch ups, but he was asking no less than 1500$ for it... and it'd be sitting on the parking lot until I got the necessary items to get it passed by the MVI done...
Depressing... and frustrating.
Maybe I'll go with the 2 door Nissan Sentra... it's cheaper, not the most amazing looking box-type car but at least it runs nice and such.
We'll see what the next week holds, maybe he'd go less for the Sentra in which case I'd probably go for it for sure, maybe 1100$ and I'd be solid.
*Sigh*
PS. Here's the Nissan, nothing special but it's in great condition for a car that's 13 years old.
Calm After the Storm
So I just got back from a little (25mins there, 25mins back) trek to the Sobey's closest to my house. The weather was nice, the area is beautiful and it was just good to be part of nature again. Minus the fact I hadn't eaten since yesterday, and even then only had a slice of pizza before work, it was a good experience.
It's good to calm yourself and look at the bugs flying around the trees, the occasional bee whizzing past your face, and the birds looming around, with the occasional car driving by on the no-side-walked road. I must say the area I live in is beautiful and it's nicely connected to nature and all the trees, and sometimes I get fawns in the backyard!
Anyways the last 24hours have been very stressful so needless to say I needed that little walk to and from Sobeys.
My mother is still being as frustrating as ever, and becoming more and more overbearing... I can't keep my sanity here much longer, and I'm not sure how much more I can take of this, no joke. Last night was almost my breaking point, wherein I just wanted to pack up everything today on my day off and just leave, never come back, and never talk to them again. It's always such an emotional rollercoaster living with them and I thought things were going to be better this time around... but I was so very wrong. Things have gotten worst. And I'm sure they will continue to get worst until I snap.
And so I'll continue to enjoy my chocolate chip eggo's and say FUCK EM.
**EDIT**
Uploaded two pictures I took on the way down my street out of my area.
PS. My phone's camera sucks.
It's good to calm yourself and look at the bugs flying around the trees, the occasional bee whizzing past your face, and the birds looming around, with the occasional car driving by on the no-side-walked road. I must say the area I live in is beautiful and it's nicely connected to nature and all the trees, and sometimes I get fawns in the backyard!
Anyways the last 24hours have been very stressful so needless to say I needed that little walk to and from Sobeys.
My mother is still being as frustrating as ever, and becoming more and more overbearing... I can't keep my sanity here much longer, and I'm not sure how much more I can take of this, no joke. Last night was almost my breaking point, wherein I just wanted to pack up everything today on my day off and just leave, never come back, and never talk to them again. It's always such an emotional rollercoaster living with them and I thought things were going to be better this time around... but I was so very wrong. Things have gotten worst. And I'm sure they will continue to get worst until I snap.
And so I'll continue to enjoy my chocolate chip eggo's and say FUCK EM.
**EDIT**
Uploaded two pictures I took on the way down my street out of my area.
PS. My phone's camera sucks.
Confused
So today and last night I've been thinking a lot and I'm feeling very weird about things, about life and where my life is heading and I try to see into the future but I see blurs and unrecognizable figures. I hate it.
I've never been this clueless, and the past year and a half has been a time of learning, and trying to live. But I've had always seen some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
But this time I just can't see much of anything, I can see some sort of light possibly but it's just so damn far, it's just like a faint twinkle of a star millions of light years away and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there and I'm not sure of how long it will take.
I guess this is where in life I'll learn patience?
I feel excluded from everything, sure this little town is cute and such but I have time for nothing between the two jobs so it's like I don't even really get time to catch up on current happenings and I don't hear much from the people around me because they're not exactly the type. It's confusing.
I'm supposed to go to school in January, upon completion of 125h of volunteer, which I have yet to start, and now I'm not even sure I want to do this program at all! I don't even KNOW what I want to do! I can't see myself doing anything for the rest of my life! Is this even normal? Could it be a silent omen? Could I see no future because I have no future at all? Is this why I cannot figure anything out, or why nothing works out? Because it would just be a divine waste of time and energy?
I don't fucking know anymore.
I've never been this clueless, and the past year and a half has been a time of learning, and trying to live. But I've had always seen some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
But this time I just can't see much of anything, I can see some sort of light possibly but it's just so damn far, it's just like a faint twinkle of a star millions of light years away and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there and I'm not sure of how long it will take.
I guess this is where in life I'll learn patience?
I feel excluded from everything, sure this little town is cute and such but I have time for nothing between the two jobs so it's like I don't even really get time to catch up on current happenings and I don't hear much from the people around me because they're not exactly the type. It's confusing.
I'm supposed to go to school in January, upon completion of 125h of volunteer, which I have yet to start, and now I'm not even sure I want to do this program at all! I don't even KNOW what I want to do! I can't see myself doing anything for the rest of my life! Is this even normal? Could it be a silent omen? Could I see no future because I have no future at all? Is this why I cannot figure anything out, or why nothing works out? Because it would just be a divine waste of time and energy?
I don't fucking know anymore.
An Update
So far I've saved 0$ for my car... it's kind of frustrating actually because I really need that car, but shit just keeps coming up that I need to pay for, mostly my cell phone.
In the last two weeks I've paid a total of 320$ towards my fucking cellphone, which isn't a fun thing to have to do.
But I just need that phone, and it was a buildup of 2 months of not paying plus fees and all that bullshit, but it's just fucking frustrating.
I need a car, ASAP.
Fml.
In the last two weeks I've paid a total of 320$ towards my fucking cellphone, which isn't a fun thing to have to do.
But I just need that phone, and it was a buildup of 2 months of not paying plus fees and all that bullshit, but it's just fucking frustrating.
I need a car, ASAP.
Fml.
Rotted
rot·ten (rät′'n)
adjective
- royally pissed.
- in bad spirits, mood or anxiety.
- agitated
I can't quite figure it out at all. I feel cold, I put on a sweater, and I'm too warm for the sweater. I feel uncomfortably sitting crossed legged so I switch to sitting straight and now that's bugging me so I think I'll go back to sitting crossed legged. I was playing
Ugh. I think maybe it's my Male PMS or something tonight, I am not sure really.
Good episode of True Blood though... although my back does hurt a lot really, it's really kinda annoying.
Ok and yeah I want a car now because I hate getting my parents driving me everywhere because my mother doesn't do ANYTHING without complaining before, all during, and 10mins after doing it, so it's a real big burden just getting her to drive me to work.
Although I do understand it'd be annoying to drive me everywhere, fuck I don't know if I do it.
Wait though I do. I drive my brothers to and from work, sometimes my dad to work, and then myself to and from my two jobs and yet I only complain on here? Why is that I wonder...?
Oh well fuck it, because I'm just rotted and need to go to bed I guess.
Oh fuck but if I do then tomorrow comes sooner and I dont' want that because tomorrow morning the Painter guys start with MY room so it's not even like I get to sleep or anything because they are going to barge into my room under the permission of my parents and start goin at it (Heh, do I WISH someone would barge into my room and "go at it" because gods it's been too long.)
Maybe I'm just sexually frustrated? Sucks being good and waiting for that special someone, or just having morals in general!
Probably only most likely because I'm in a rotten mood, doesn't mean I'd wanna just fuck someone though, because we both know that wouldn't do anything to solve anything.
And who are "we" that I talk of anyways, I doubt anyone will read this entry because it's awfully long and rambling... not exactly the most exciting type of entry
Fuck it, good night.
About Me
- ZNLA
- Just some guy writing some stuff, pay attention or not, I'll keep writing.
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