FML

Today is totally going to suck I can feel it in my bones already - no coffee, and I feel drowsy and like shit... not a good combination.

this is the last of this - spending every last penny I have left... with the credit card either on the way or not, I am making some leeway and never spending all my money again. I am going to budget.

And that's final.

So cold in my room, it's ridiculous and I have the heat on like 30C but because I'm in the basement and I have a door in my room that goes outside it's all cold.

Blah.

SO my mother just bought the iPhone 3G S and I am beyond jealous... hatefully jealous I guess you could say. But I still love her, just not her decisions ; )

Not a lot new in my life right now, just waiting for things to start getting better i.e. stable job and some stable income, which starts next next week on the 15th... so that will be nice to get a paycheck that's not only 300$ and not have to owe it ALL and THEN some to bills and car parts.

Makes me want to go to sleep tonight and all tomorrow so next week comes faster or something... I don't know, but it's half tempting.

My views

I'm sure exactly how I feel about excessive partying and stuff at my age... like I have an idea but I'm still a little effy as to how serious I feel about the idea. I know I'm young and people my age do like to party, but I choose not to anymore.

I used to drink a lot and anyone that's known me could attest to that but just in the last 1-2 years I've completely moved away from the clubbing/partying scene and the type of people it draws in: dodgy and unstable people. I mean it's reflective of the environment, which draws in those types of people. And it's a huge huge turn off for me. I just don't want anything to do with it or that lifestyle anymore and, like I've said, I've completely removed myself from that sphere.

It's just something about it seems so fake, so juvenile and so... ugh. That's probably the best way I could word it - ugh.

NYE was the last night I got to the point of drunkness and even then I was still very conscious of what was happening that night and the environment around me, but it's every time I go out I realise and just get angry at the people that are around me. People are just so different under the influence, and don't get me wrong so am I! We all are, and it's just annoying. I just prefer to relax and drink and sure if I want to get drunk kind of stay in my own little area, with a few friends and just relax and chill and not be part of the bullshit and the drama... which is really what it is and what I've experienced in my years of hardcore partying and "living it up."

Well I'm grown up, and I've matured, and I want absolutely nothing to do with it... it just seems so immature.

Bullshit.

Why are people so fucking dodgy?
I make plans and we make plans and then things change and everything goes to shit and here I am waiting for "people to get back to me with what's going on." Well I'm sorry that's not something I'm going to bank on. For the following reasons:
1) I need to know whether or not to waste my minimal money on alcohol
2) Figure out whether I am driving anywhere and need to buy gas
3) Figure out what I need to wear and what's the occassion of the even to see whether I can find something to even wear
4) So I don't fucking sit around LIKE A LOSER.

So to all my so called fucking friends, thanks for getting back to me, thanks for hanging out with me all week when I told you to let me know and you said you would... when you've been "bored" and "looking for something to do" because I've seen the goddam facebook status updates... even commented on a few to get the point across.

So I won't forget this - And anyone who knows me well, KNOWS I won't forget this. You're good as gone, fuck off. I need to find new friends.

Where ya been?

Well to tell the truth... nowhere.
Still here just haven't been writing about anything as late. Just been working and continuing the gym and all that jazz. Not to mention playing World Of Warcraft just as much if not more than before, but that's ok because I offset it with the gym! I purchased Creatine two days ago and started that and I'm not gonna lie I've already started seeing HUGE results, so I'm excited to see what this is going to do!

Now I'm just listening to my iPod on shuffle and about to run back upstairs and play some more WoW before making a quick lunch.

My car is in the garage and I wasn't sure how I was going to pay for it and all, but my parents are going to waive the repair fees for part of my xmas gift because I would have to wait until February to be able to finally afford it... so I hope to get it on the road soon. The mechanic said it should be done today or tomorrow, getting all the shit done to it. And I know for sure I'll have the car back on the road by NEXT Friday the latest - when I can pay the taxes owned on it to register the car.

But hey! Next Friday sounds a lot better than February.

We haven't been getting lots of snow which is good, we had two days where we had some and it stayed but then it went up to like 7c and then most of it melted, so it's been all over the place lately... but I don't have winter tires on my car so hopefully it doesn't get bad ha ha ha.

Anyways I'l keep you posted with what's happening with the car and such, and roam around the blogs and throw down some comments on some friends' blogs and such.

Be well and take care!

Updates

So I've been slacking with my blog posts... mostly because I've just been so blah lately I haven't really found it in me to post much of anything. I've been continuing along my gym path... progress is great, energy is up (more than before at least) and my confidence is gaining.

Also been playing WoW a lot and now I have two level 60 characters.

Osten: Lvl 60 Human Paladin
Jupitar: Lvl 60 Night elf Druid

Both on the Nargannon server so feel free to join up and play along with me whenever I'm on and just roaming around.

I need to buy the next expansion pack so I'm able to level past 60... that's definitely on the list of things to do, as are getting my car back on the road and finding a fucking job I don't hate.

Updates

So because I came home drunk and left the light on over the door my parents are pissed with me... not to mention they won't let me borrow their cars to go to the gym that I'm paying out the ass for. It's so fucking stupid. Sure I know it's super nice of them to even let me borrow them in the first place, but to just stop for something like that it just shows their intentions - to control my lifestyle.

Needless to say, working at Staples sucks shit, and I really realized yesterday that I can't trust anyone there - as friends or whatever. Sure I'll talk to them and be civil but no more opening up... or at least be more selective than I have been. I've been considering actually removing some of the people I currently have from my Facebook.

The job interviews went well sure, but I didn't hear anything that day like they told me I would, so I called the next day and she said they were interviewing another person that day and again Monday... this was after they told me it was between me and this other person... so obviously I wasn't good enough, so I've written off that job. It would have been my break from this poverty too, so I'm really not handling it well.

I really don't understand why things can't get better for me.

Ps. I bought Whey Protein so I'm going to be starting to use that before and after I work out to hopefully help me build muscle. I'll do a before and after picture I guess if I feel like it... not entirely feeling it though today, I really wanted to just sleep. And not to mention I have no way to the gym now.

UGHH I hate waiting and I get so nervous and I didn't get a call today... everyone is telling me to relax and just play it by ear, but it bothers me, I'M SORRY. I hate rejection and I hate not feeling qualified for something.. so that's where I am.

I texted some of my references to see if maybe they were too busy to call the references which means they were too busy or whatever today so that could be a reason I didn't get a call - OR I just didn't get the job. But they said it was between myself and someone else, so I would think they'd call the other after two interviews and let me know if I didn't get it or whatever.

It just bothers me, so I think I'm going to just get really drunk tonight so I don't have to think about it at all. Ughhh.

Fml.

So today I lose my car - the 30 day permit as well as the MVI (Motor Vehicle Inspection) is up and so I can't drive the car after today... until I get the money to pay the taxes and the registration, etc. Which I won't have for a while just because I've been getting shitty ass hours at Staples. It really sucks. Back again to no freedom, and full dependence on my parents. Gonna hate my life for the next few weeks until I'm able to pay off all this shit.

Plus my insurance is coming out today which they fucked up, and I get charged 184$ instead of the MAXIMUM 105$ I was quoted with... so needless to say - I . Am. Broke. Apparently they'll credit me the difference on next months payment which will come in useful so that the next 2 paychecks can go strictly towards getting my car back on the road.

Bored

I am unbelievably bored right now... it's really something to behold and I'm not even sure why. Maybe because I WANT to do something it just makes the boredom that much more worst... I dunno. And I definitely don't have the money to do anything anyways so maybe I should just go to bed once my food from dinner digests.

Yeah I'll probably do the bed thing and just wake up earlier tomorrow or something... not sure for what though - I don't work tomorrow at all.

>_>

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So I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next few weeks... it's definitely going to be a struggle. I forsee it coming and so I'm trying to gather up the energy and the patience needed to get over this last hump for a while (hopefully.) I need to find myself a full time job so I can get a steady flow of money coming in because this part time bullshit is really driving me nuts... never knowing exactly how much I'm going to be getting - some weeks an adequate amount and others a very small amount - and unfortunately this week will be the small amount... resulting is possibly not enough money for my insurance which will bounce the payment (charging me 50$ ontop of the 184$) and giving some more bad credit.

So I discovered, via a friend, a new band that I must say I really enjoy. The Temper Trap (Click me!).

They have a familiar sound, maybe a mix of some bands I enjoy that I can't entirely put a finger on... maybe some Interpol rhythm with some vocals from Sigur Ros (Without the Icelandic sexiness.)

So today I'm going to do my 6/7 day routine and go to the gym, then off to work because I picked up a shift tonight.. so I work 4-9pm which is a shitty shift... but I made a vow after yesterday's staff meeting that I'm going to be more intense about my job... even if it's just a bullshit part time job but still it's all about image and reputation here in this little town so you never know when I might need a reference or someone to pull some strings for me!

I apologize for nothing really substantial to write about lately... it's mostly because I'm just going through a rut again - really though? when am I not going through a rut these past few years. I guess it would be something different to say that I'm NOT going through a rut... that would definitely be a surprise to myself and to many.

Had a talk with my parents this morning they said I don't seem happy and that whenever I come home I go directly to my room and lock myself away - which is true. I must say I'm not fairing well with this living back home again, it's just too stressful because they haven't changed at all in the 4 years I've been away, and I've changed quite a substantial amount... and so they treat me the same. But my mother makes dinner which is nice... and wholesome.

Tonight I'm going to hang out with my friend Jay again, it's been fun hanging the past few days and just having someone to connect with... someone that's there, as Eric's said before. And I agree, it's been nice. He's going to Brazil for a month, then back to work on the cruise ship for a few more months then moving back home here in May... which seems so far away. I'm sick of waiting, and constantly being up in the air about everything, I want something substantial and someone to feel the way I feel for them - I want reciprocation and mutuality.

I also want money and to not be broke so I have something to share with someone.

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Updates 2.0

Been working minimal hours lately at the one job and it's becoming really frustrating... I'm not even sure if I'll get enough to pay for my insurance payment next week. Not to mention the fact that I don't have the money for the taxes that are due, the MVI inspection, the emergency brake cable to be fixed and for gas... so needless to say my car is going to be sitting on the parking lot for at least 2 weeks... BACK to square one.

Well at least I have a car, and something to show for my money, just totally sucks that's all.

Karma!

What comes around goes around.
History repeats itself.

FUCK YA.

H1N1: Swine Flu

So I was approached by my family and asked whether or not I was going to get vaccinated when the clinics open up within the next week... I said no. My mother said that I had to because she didn't want to get swine... and I replied, "But you're taking the shot, aren't you?"

Something doesn't sit well with me about this whole situation and how everyone is seeming to blow it out of proportion, so I went to the media and to the WHO and I begun my research.

Apparently since the outbreak of the H1N1 it's been released that 4800 people have died, which doesn't seem to be a lot. Sure it's still a lot of family members and a lot of brothers and sisters and sons and daughters, but statistically it's not a lot of people.

So I reflected on the normal flu, and exactly how many people yearly this more "common" flu has been killing, with little to no hysteria caused throughout the world.

Taken directly from the WHO's website, I quote:

Influenza epidemics occur yearly during autumn and winter in temperate regions. Illnesses result in hospitalizations and deaths mainly among high-risk groups (the very young, elderly or chronically ill). Worldwide, these annual epidemics result in about three to five million cases of severe illness, and about 250 000 to 500 000 deaths. Most deaths associated with influenza in industrialized countries occur among people age 65 or older. In some tropical countries, influenza viruses circulate throughout the year with one or two peaks during rainy seasons.

Yet that was never a reason to invest $400 million into Pharmaceutical companies for imunizations for the nation... but on the flip side I do respect that the government is going an extra step to potentially help it's citizens, I do. But this just doesn't sound right.

So I looked to the history books, and through this I found that previously we've been hit with a Swine flu, with little to no implications of a worldwide pandemic, or mass hysteria.

1918, 1976, 1988, 1998, and in 2007 an outbreak in the Philippines amongst only pigs, and now, 2009 among humans. Some would look at this as being a potential evolution of the virus and maybe, just maybe, this time the virus has figured out a way to wipe out the entire earth and take over the world!

And lest we forget the terrible AVIAN influenza that rocked the worlds and destroyed the human population last year... or sorry was that SARS... or maybe that was the common cold! The WHO has a graph that shows the breakdown of deaths of the so called pandemic of avian influenza last year, and as you can see... it doesn't seem like much of a pandemic to me.

[Avian Influenza Cumulative Number of Confirmed Human Cases.]

I think we need to calm down, eat healthy, get in shape, maintain a healthy lifestyle and continue our lives without pumping chemicals and other diseases into our systems that we barely even know the consequences of yet... already there have been a few cases of complications with the H1N1 shot, and it the hasn't even been globally administered yet... imagine on the large scale how many deaths could come from the side effects... my gods! that's another case for another WORLD WIDE PANDEMIC!

I'm never leaving my house again.

Updates.

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So I've been having less and less to write about, mostly because I've been going through this anti-social kind of thing where I feel removing myself from society would help me redesign myself: both my personality and my subconscious. I'm learning more and more than I know myself less and less, and it's bugging me.

Am I really a bad person for believing in fairy tales and trying to force myself to have a positive outlook on things? (When really deep down I am very negative, so there's this inner conflict.) I'm not sure how to approach these things anymore and I know I've said it before, but this time it's different.

I don't know what to do and I'm not sure how to approach getting better of this, and figuring myself out... do I read more? do I relax more? do I sit on the edge of my bed and cry more? Do I go for longer drives with some tunes playing in the background more? I'm just not sure what to do. Maye I just have something wrong with me, not to sound extreme, but possibly I could be clinically depressed or something more? Could I have some sort of personality disorder where I just am so fucked up I can't even view things in the way I should? I apologize for the questions, but these are just a few of the questions I ask myself.

So I'll address you (My subconscious, my motives and my understanding.)

What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me and how can I better understand you. How can I be approached by a situation and be able to determine whether it's the realistic outcome or my erratic subconscious thwarting the design?

Can you stop? Can you stop blowing things out of proportion and trying to second guess me? Can you please stop seeing the worst in people and distrusting everyone... Can you stop making me push people away? I hate that. I hate the distance I set between myself and the one's closest to me... all because of you.

I need to control you, and I need to control you now. I need to learn when I can switch the Off button and how to effectively hit that switch before any further harm is done... otherwise I'll snap and won't be able to handle this anymore... I won't be able to continue on down this path with this continual conflict inside me and this void full of blackness and no emotion.

My heart is so cold, and I think you have something to do with it... it's never the now, it's the past and the potential future that haunts me and scares me, and it effects me in the now. I know it shouldn't, but you see to that. You make sure I hold grudges and that I see everything askew. You're the lenses through which I see my life, you shape my understanding and my perception... and I'm only now realizing that what I see isn't the truth but something tainted and spoiled by your influence.

Someone, or something help me please before this comes to a bitter (or wishful) end.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.
- Excerpt from Foundations by Kate Nash

Not sure what today holds really, so it's going to be very interesting. I know I work until 9pm and then after I'm going to go visit my friend from Windsor, ON who's in town (Well, 30mins away) for the week with work.

A familiar face would be nice.

Ps. I got to go to the gym as soon as I get money, because I'm feeling so shitty about myself lately, it's just getting on my nerves.

My Life

Why can't I ever get it right, why is it I can have it all and feel like I have nothing?

There's a hole in my life, a missing secret key, but its out of reach... Its so far away and its not fair!

Could I have been SO close to the solution to my heartache and that inner void and ended up tossing it away for a failed attempt at a better future?

It would seem so.

I'm nothing without you, and I don't know how to express this.

Turkeyday Sucks.

Turkeyday sucks for the following reasons:
1) Everything is closed
2) Everything is closed
3) Everything is closed
4) Not sure what to do on my mandatory day off
5) Everything is closed.

Turkeyday rocks for the following reasons:
1) Forced day off.

So I'm definitely very antsy about Friday coming and such and getting the car... and to make matters worst I work 12pm-8pm Friday during the day so the day is just going to drag by I bet. Not to mention I'm getting sick too so it's just gonna be a long ass two days until I finally get my baby in the drive way!