My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.
- Excerpt from Foundations by Kate Nash

*Sigh*

I don't know why I did this... I don't know why I moved back home.
Nothing has changed in my family, only things have gotten worst and more confusing as days go by.

But hey I have more money now? Hoping for a super cheap car by next week maybe the next 2 weeks if I want to save for something a little better... I don't know I just can't deal with alot of things right now.

Maybe I'll take the 1500$ and fly back to Windsor.

... Fuck it maybe I'll take the money and fly to England and start over everything new.

An Update

So far I've saved 0$ for my car... it's kind of frustrating actually because I really need that car, but shit just keeps coming up that I need to pay for, mostly my cell phone.

In the last two weeks I've paid a total of 320$ towards my fucking cellphone, which isn't a fun thing to have to do.
But I just need that phone, and it was a buildup of 2 months of not paying plus fees and all that bullshit, but it's just fucking frustrating.

I need a car, ASAP.
Fml.

Homosexual Friends: No messing around this time!

(Taken from my 20sb.com blog)

As most of my closest friends, as well as closest family know, I am a homosexual.

Now with this title comes a lot of negative stereotypes and astigmatisms
Fag, Queer, Gay, Fudgepacker, Faggot, Sissy, Nancyboi, Dicksucker, Cocksucker, etc.

But let's put those aside for now.

Here is my problem: Sustaining a nonsexual friendship within the gay community.

I have yet to meet many gay guys who are not willing to just mess around or have sex with their friends.
Why is this?

Sure I know we're guys, and guys have a very high sex drive... but should that contradict morals?
I know I've gone through my phases and such, like most guys whether hetero or homo do, but seriously some guys do not grow out of these phases and I am beginning to see it everyday more and more.

When it was pointed out (ignorantly, mind you) by my parents that gay guys sleep with guys because it's just what they do, I came to realise that that stereotype was in place for a reason.

This saddens me, because there are guys out there, like myself, that have grown up, developed some morals, and wish for JUST friends.

Horny? Throw on some fucking porn, don't do your friends.
That's disrespectful, and degrading.

It's so sad that I could have so much fun hanging out with someone as a friend who is gay, and then he pops the question of whether or not I want to mess around sometime, or even that night! Wow man, have we come that far? That it's safe to assume anyone attractive is willing to just mess around?

I don't know, it's just frustrating, and I'm sure very few people will read this but I had to just get it out... my frustrations that is.

So I write to you, and ask you... is there a chance? Is there much chance that two gay guys could be strictly friends with no sexual tension?

Because I'm finding it harder and harder to find any guys like this, and it's frustrating.

Whatever enough ranting to Massive Attack: Beautiful Drug